I am still dating KB.  Still in nYc.  Still at the same job.

But there are lots of new things at the job.  It’s now a ridiculous place.  This guy named Stump from PA showed up, like 14 months ago, and was there to ‘change things for the better’.  Instead, he showed up, fired some bad people, which was great.  Lots of things shaking up, for the good.  But, the numbers continued to fall.  So for some reason, he decided that the problem was with Production, and me in particular was the problem.  So he tried to fuck me up.

But your hard working man was unfazed and continued on.

However, foolishness continued and somehow my boss was asked to leave.

So from that point forward, I am stuck with a new boss, but he is set up by the old boss.

So I’m looking frantically for a new job.

And I think I may have found one.  It’s been 3 rounds, and that is a lot of rounds.

So we’ll see.

About Kia:

I still think about her daily.  I still wonder about where she is, if anywhere.  If she is in Heaven?  If she is just in the ground in NJ?  Is she like a little fairy, like Tinkerbell, floating around the place, helping me avoid danger, suggesting that I fold hands of poker, because she knows I’ll lose in the end?

I still think about her when I make decisions.  As if the outcome would effect her.  Like I need to take her into consideration, just incase she might prefer one over the other.  Even when I look at women.  As if she would look and say, “come on baby, get the one with the big titties, you know you love big titties, I have big titties.”

Sad!  Strange too, and for business things, for work, I do think of her and it makes me feel strong.  I think I could deal with that, I could easily deal with some foolish office politics or mor or anything.  I can wake up at any time, stay as late as  I need.  I’ve dealt with more, so whats this little thing?

I hope all of you are doing well.  Stay warm, and make sure to get into some trouble.

It is like stretching her muscles with out her help.  Like she is bending over to touch her toes and she can’t do it, so you hold her and help her finish the last 3 or 4 inches.  It is hard to describe.

It is easy to feel and it is really fun and enjoyable to see.

Her face kind of looks scared but then it relaxes and she looks like she is going to have an orgasm, but she needs some help to get there.  But it is just her getting used to feeling this new feeling.

It is very different with Kaity.

She is a real woman.  1950′s, Mad Men, World War 2, two people, but one dream, kind of Woman.

The kind you can build a life with.

I need to make new tapes.  It is more amazing than I thought.

More to come.

We are going to learn the

K O system, and add it to what we already have and add some income.

She is an extreme woman.  A lot of everything, at all times.  I enjoy that kind of personality.  A woman that can do many things easily makes me thing of the possibilities.  The new things to do together.

It is very exciting.

So If you want to try something that is sort of novel and very enjoyable.  I’d recommend you get some decent ******* and some mid quality ***** and relax with a friend or two.

Tonight I am with Kaity, and she is telling me stories about her childhood and how she used to listen to music that she listened to in highschool and the things she was doing when she listened to the songs then.

I a lucky enough to be alive today.

Recently I realized how things can always be worse or better.

Things have been exceptional lately.

I am in love, and my home life is amazing.  We are going out a lot more and we’re just seeing a lot of new things.

She is sitting right next to me as I type this.  And I am still writing the truth.

Now we are listening to music.  Kinda.

I’m just listening to her talk to me, and I kind of hear the music.  But I am mostly talking to her.

I just like to hear her speak.   Like her voice and what have you.

Apparently the song, Aeroplane, by Red hot Chili Peppers is, “a great song”.   Who knew?

So Things are amazing.  getting better by the minute.  Really.

wait for it.

Just a little more.

bEttEr…. in just one minute.

MORE WATER!

So, yes.  I am doing better than I have done in quite a while.

I did get a bit down recently.  Kia’s birthday is the day before mine.  And I can’t really relax and enjoy myself as I otherwise would.  I think about her often on those days, and I really miss her a great deal more than I otherwise would.  I don’t mind that at all.

So I had my birthday and Kaity tried to set up something with some close friends and some close family, so I could have some sort of thing to celebrate.  It is important to her.  She had always made her birthday a bit of a big deal celebration, and she wanted to do the same for her man.

So she rounded up a few people and we had a couple pints and my shot of choice (tequila) and we got into our glasses for a taste or two.  So mellow dramatic.

So as an aside, I feel like i’m dying.  So please don’t be surprised if it happens.

I am using a neck pillow so i can never have to hold my head up.  Not that it is related.  I just wanted to note that.

Hopefully, we’ll be able to play some poker soon, so we can see if there is real money to be made at the game.  Iwent with Ev, and won’t almost $700, in only 3.5 hours.  I was as shocked as anyone else, but it was especially easy to do it.  Ev, plays as often as anyone can and he rarely wins that much and keeps it. So who knows?  Perhaps I am more than above average, I can earn a decent side income from that and take some real trips.

We got a semi automatic cigarette maker and a cigarette case recently.

and we are going to be able to try it out soon enough.

The city is quite enjoyable in the summer, even with little to no money.

Things are as good as they have been in months.

I hope things are going well for you too.

I could have gone, I had the money.  I could have flown, bussed, driven, or something else.

But I did not.

I wanted to turn over a new leaf in my life.

See, the Derby is a party, and festival, and they have 11 or 12 horse races too.

I went in past years, because I viewed it as an expression of a new life for me.

I wanted to see new things, and see the country, and experience life.

I convinced 1 friend to go, and we went, and he enjoyed it, and now he goes on his own.

I’m glad he liked it so much.  I had to get half naked in a bar and pound on tables for him to realize how interesting it would be to go.

There were 3 friends there, and only 1 was convinced that day.

I wanted to share it with everyone I care for.  The pageantry, the excess, the history, the gambling, the freeing feeling that I get being on the open road, the world your bitch, the masses parting as you roll through, with a dollar in your pocket, or a thousand of them, it doesn’t matter, as long as you are out, in the world, alive, moving and thinking.

Well, I went for 3 years, consecutively and it was cool.

All three times were great.  All for their own reasons.

As I’ve mentioned in this space, in the past year, my wife to be died, and I traveled and searched and looked for something more in the world to give life meaning to me.

I found nothing, to be honest.

I have a new love, unique from Kia, and amazing in it’s own right.

But there is nothing external that gives my life purpose, at least nothing that I’ve found.

I continue to look for things to do, to make myself feel good, or better.

I’ve gone and found some, we’ll see if they are truly as exciting as they appear in my head.

They follow the same theme as what I’ve done in the past, just more concentrated and serious.

More defined, and less concerned and dependent on help and assistance from others.

Good luck finding your path.

Lately, my gf and I go out, and whenever we drink, we argue.  Always about something stupid.

Last week, some guy grabbed her ass, she turned around, he said something, she said something, he handed her a beer, she left and came back to me as we were leaving.

I was upset that she had a beer, because she had no money.  She says some guy gave it to her, she also got some shots or a shot from someone else.

I wanted to know where mine were, aren’t we together?

She felt like she did nothing wrong.  I explained that if you accept drinks from the guy after he grabs you, you are condoning his behavior, and basically saying, it’s ok to grab women, or you in particular, in exchange for bottled beer.

She and I disagreed, and argued and during the argument, she and I exchanged heated words, and she cried, I then said something like, “why don’t you just go cry outside, and leave.”

That drove her nuts, and she started packing.

I told her that if she left, she was not going to be allowed to return to the relationship, but I’d hold her things and send them wherever she’d like.

We eventually reconciled that evening.

This week, we went out to celebrate a friends birthday and while we were out, the cigarette promotion guy came buy and asked if we smoked, etc….

None of us do, except my friend who declined to get the products (lighters, coupons for free packs, etc…)

My gf decided that she needed the products so she starts chatting up the representative and starts flirting with him and ignoring me.

I flip her off, but she is so enamored she doesn’t even notice.

I am sitting there, and she is asking this guy what his name is, where is he from, what else can she get from him.

I get upset, and she tells me she was not flirting, she says I was flirting earlier, with my friends fiance.

I am confused, because I wasn’t even talking to that girl, she was just talking to the table.  But she did touch my back.

We argue some, quietly this time, we’re in public after all, so I get a cab and we ride home and I ask her what the hell is she doing?

She denied flirting, says she was just being friendly and making conversation.

I explained that is what flirting is, being friendly and making conversation.

She then tells me she feels like I don’t want her and she is unhappy because I am so sad.  And she will leave in the morning, and she spends the night sobbing loud.

I don’t even yell or argue about it, I tell her to please talk to me or please keep the sobbing down.

I make some ramen, eat and go to bed.

It’s two weeks of going out, and two weeks of fighting.

She doesn’t trust me, and I don’t trust her.

But I do trust her, and she does trust me, just we are always on the lookout for reasons to not trust.

It doesn’t make sense to me either, it doesn’t read right, unfortunately I do not know how to explain it better, at least not right now.

She doesn’t think I want to be with her, because Kia died, and April 7th is the anniversary of her death.  She is jealous of a dead woman, and that is unfortunate because I can’t lie and tell her I don’t miss or love Kia. And my new gf is unhappy about that.

Maybe it is something else.  I’ve never given her a reason to not trust me, I’ve always been honest and open with my feelings.

I love this woman, I take care of her, she takes care of me, we are planning to do lots of things, but she doesn’t operate like I do and we keep missing each other.

We are slightly different temperatures or something, and it never mixes well for long before something happens that lets us both know that it is not mixing well.

I wish she would just talk to me and tell me what is up, and why she is unhappy, but she claims she is fine.

I’m certain she is unhappy, but she is unwilling to open up and talk.

She prefers to write in her journal, which is private and for her only.

She does read this blog though, which does not bother me.

I am curious to see what happens next.

So I was left alone.

So I eventually got a ride from him to the Amtrak and took a train to NH then to GCT to meet Kia and some of her family at Dave and Busters for her cousins 9th or 10th birthday.

It was a good day, we got to see each other, she even sent me pictures and told me how she missed me so.

They were nude pics so I was doubly please, but to be honest I loved her clothed or nude.

Soooo, I went to the place, we ate, played video games, had a good night, we went home, I met her dog Baby, who she brought over to our place, because we were going to start taking care of her.

And we went to the park that night to walk the dog.

And then we went to bed.

The next day was also pretty uneventful, we had sex for the last time, and we signed up for the gym, and she died.

It was a horrible day, and I am still not over it.

I’m not over the suddenness or the way her sister just wanted her stuff and how she snuck the only thing I wanted, her iPhone from me under false pretense of ‘getting numbers for her mother’, to how people would tell me how, “I need to get over it” and, “It is unhealthy to dwell on negative things”, or “She’s in a better place”, when the place she was in, was not painful or unpleasant.

Or the ever present and eternally ignorant, “Things happen for a reason”

Do they really?  What reason is it?

The answer is always related to “Jesus’ plan”, although sometimes it’s just “God’s plan”  ehhhhh.

Those people bother me the most, I always wonder what deficiency they have that makes them think they are not in total control of the choices they make?

Getting back to Kia, and I and our last 2 days together, I had no idea, nor did she about what was coming, and we acted like we always had, happy, in love, looking forward towards our mutual future, and enjoying the idea of being together.

So much has changed since then.

I still don’t know what I am doing with myself.   I still feel unsettled and unbalanced.

It is as if I am always ready to be upset or sad, and what it is I think, is that I am always missing her.

Nothing really is the same, I really loved her, I really intended on us being together forever, on building a life together, and no one else seems to be as upset about it as I am, or as hurt or sad as I feel.

Maybe they are, and they don’t tell me, who cares.

I just feel so shook up still.  I don’t want to go on and on about how sad I am, because the point is not about ‘I’m sadder than you’ or ‘I miss her more’.

It’s about how there is an empty space that was filled with love and trust and hope, but that space is just space now.

I wouldn’t miss her If I didn’t love her.  And I loved her, I really truly did, and she did also.

I just don’t know what to do about it or with it now.

My counselor tells me, ‘wouldn’t Kia want you to be happy?’

I mean sure, what does that mean though?

I still know what Kia and I were going to do.  I just don’t know if….

I have a habit of thinking about what I was doing last week, or last month or last year.  I do it on the train in to work, or while I’m sitting around being bored at the job or at home, or whenever.

I find it helps me see things in a larger frame.  It allows me to gain a clearer vision of my past and present.  And that allows me an opportunity to make fewer of the same mistakes, and make new mistakes instead.

A year ago today, I don’t really recall what I was doing specifically.

I have old chats from Kia and I, gmail conveniently saved them for me.

I don’t really want to read them, I feel bad enough as it is.

I would imagine that we were at work, she had a class that was Thursday evenings I believe, her script writing class.  The students would all write a script a week, as if they were working on an actual tv show.  Each week they’d take turns being the head producer (show runner) and go through the scripts that the others wrote and make notes.

But that was Thursday.  Wednesday, we did not do much.  Nothing that I can recall anyway.

That bothers me a lot, more than I can explain.

I love every second of my 7 months with her, she knew it, I told her.  I knew it, she told me.

I’m glad that worked, but now it makes the time without her worse.

It’s like having a high point in your life, knowing at the time it is a high point, expecting it to last for a while, and then it suddenly ends, for no real reason.

It’s not something I had experienced before.  I have never really been that happy before.  I thought I had been happy, I really did, but the time with her was always on a different level.  It was so easy, all the time.  Effortless.

Completely effortless.

It was as if we both knew what to do, or what to say or what the other was thinking of.

There was never any mistaken words, or misunderstanding that arose because of something I said.  She knew when I was teasing her, and could give it back, she knew when I was serious and would respond in kind.  She had her own stories and loved to tell them.  She listened to mine.  She could take criticism and could give me some.

And even on the few occasions when things were tense or one of us caused the other to be upset, we just talked it out.

It was so easy, it really was like dating myself.

I miss that everyday, I miss the constant high, the feeling of finding something that I was not looking for, the feeling that my life was headed toward a common goal, that was unsaid but well defined and understood by us both somehow.

Now I just wake up, go to work, come home, go out, eat, sleep, whatever.

I would like to feel that way again.

We had some errands to run on Saturday even though it was raining like a hurricane.

So we did what we had to do, got wet, got dry, got wetter, got annoyed, but made it though.

Had an amazing Sunday.  And I noticed some new things that made me think.

I’m glad things are going well.  It looks better and better each day.

Here is the most recent reason why you should not live in a small town:

The woman I’m dating is from VT.  She moved around a lot but spent the last 2 years of HS in a small town.

Nothing remarkable about the town, nothing at all, not a single thing really.

Only thing that is memorable at all, is she knows everyone, and everyone knows her.

The problem with that is that people talk trash about one another.  And since she is from noplace, VT it seems magnified to her.

For example, my gf knows a fat, well morbidly obese woman, who she went to HS with 8 or 9 years ago, that has a serious personality problem.  She likes to talk trash about people and get them all worked up and then she enjoys the drama.

This is fine with me, I don’t care, but my gf seems to care.

I think it is because she is from a small town, and this obese crazy woman might know the same people she knows, well, it’s a town of like 3,500 people max, so they all know everyone.

Now I’m not sure why my gf would care what other people think of her.  I’m not sure why this obese, crazy woman would care about what my gf does either.

I certainly don’t care about it.  I think it is amusing to see two 25 yr old women fight about, ‘who said what to whom’.

But then again, I am an adult who has a life, a job, and things to do during the evening.

There is more childish, immature, 6th grade, he said she said drama in this pathetic sad, small town, bullshit.

But I’m from a real place, that has an active nightlife, and I don’t care, so I’m not interested in who did what to who.

I do wish that they would both mature faster and learn that it isn’t important what people think, it’s important what people do.

You can’t change what people say about you, your real friends will not listen to gossip, and people that listen to gossip are not your friends.

I love my gf, I’m not sure why this obese, unhappy woman would talk about my gf, I’m not sure why my gf would care.

I’m not sure how this obese woman even got married, to be honest, but who cares?

I have a life, I have no time for the small town politics that these two ladies share.

I still miss the woman I lost, I love the woman I have with me now, all the rest is he said, she said, BS.

We got into an argument today about this blog.

I like writing because it makes me feel better, it gives me a space to get the thoughts out of my mind.

She liked reading it, because she thinks it gives her insight into my thought and my mind.

I wish I could read her stuff.

That is the argument, there is nothing for her to show me and to read.

The problem I have is why there is nothing for me to read.

Here is why: In the early stages of our relationship, she lied to me and lied to a friend of mine, who she was also dating, and hurt us both.

I’m was upset about it then, and I’m upset about it now.

I feel like she should have been more open and honest and not lied to me about things.  I think to make it up, she needs to be overly honest to me.

I wanted to read her email and see what was going on behind the scenes at the time this stuff happened.

She deleted everything from that time period.  Because she says it would make her look bad, and she felt like she looked bad enough.

Then she gave me her password and let me in, but before I was able to get in, she deleted stuff, lied to me about deleting it, and tried to cover it up further.

She told me that she did not want to look bad, so that is why she lied.

But how can I trust her if she will lie if she will look bad.

What I would like is to see what was going on, so I could have another version of the events.

Something similar to this blog, so she can see the thoughts that are in my mind.

So we fight about it, and I need to leave her alone about it.  Make her feel better, make her feel less attacked.

She has told me how she thought at the time, she has no real reason for what happened, for why or whatever.

I’m not sure how I can get over this ‘not knowing’.  I need to know it is true.  She tells me, well, I will tell you what happened.

But I’d like to see it for myself.  But I can’t.

So I have to trust her, but she has already told me that she won’t show me things because they will make her look bad.

So doesn’t that mean she won’t tell me the truth?

Does it mean she has not in the past and will in the present/future?

I’m sure she will tell me the truth, but who knows if I can be sure?

Does it matter?  I think it does, because it should matter if I can or can’t trust.

I’m confused.

But I want her to work with me, and I want it to work together.  I want her to see me and get with me, and for us to work it out.

I hope it works.