April 5, 2009 – April 5, 2010

So last year, I was hanging out in Hartford, CT with my secretly homosexual friend BG, and his crew of misfits and whatevers, and he was called away to help with a roofing job.

So I was left alone.

So I eventually got a ride from him to the Amtrak and took a train to NH then to GCT to meet Kia and some of her family at Dave and Busters for her cousins 9th or 10th birthday.

It was a good day, we got to see each other, she even sent me pictures and told me how she missed me so.

They were nude pics so I was doubly please, but to be honest I loved her clothed or nude.

Soooo, I went to the place, we ate, played video games, had a good night, we went home, I met her dog Baby, who she brought over to our place, because we were going to start taking care of her.

And we went to the park that night to walk the dog.

And then we went to bed.

The next day was also pretty uneventful, we had sex for the last time, and we signed up for the gym, and she died.

It was a horrible day, and I am still not over it.

I’m not over the suddenness or the way her sister just wanted her stuff and how she snuck the only thing I wanted, her iPhone from me under false pretense of ‘getting numbers for her mother’, to how people would tell me how, “I need to get over it” and, “It is unhealthy to dwell on negative things”, or “She’s in a better place”, when the place she was in, was not painful or unpleasant.

Or the ever present and eternally ignorant, “Things happen for a reason”

Do they really?  What reason is it?

The answer is always related to “Jesus’ plan”, although sometimes it’s just “God’s plan”  ehhhhh.

Those people bother me the most, I always wonder what deficiency they have that makes them think they are not in total control of the choices they make?

Getting back to Kia, and I and our last 2 days together, I had no idea, nor did she about what was coming, and we acted like we always had, happy, in love, looking forward towards our mutual future, and enjoying the idea of being together.

So much has changed since then.

I still don’t know what I am doing with myself.   I still feel unsettled and unbalanced.

It is as if I am always ready to be upset or sad, and what it is I think, is that I am always missing her.

Nothing really is the same, I really loved her, I really intended on us being together forever, on building a life together, and no one else seems to be as upset about it as I am, or as hurt or sad as I feel.

Maybe they are, and they don’t tell me, who cares.

I just feel so shook up still.  I don’t want to go on and on about how sad I am, because the point is not about ‘I’m sadder than you’ or ‘I miss her more’.

It’s about how there is an empty space that was filled with love and trust and hope, but that space is just space now.

I wouldn’t miss her If I didn’t love her.  And I loved her, I really truly did, and she did also.

I just don’t know what to do about it or with it now.

My counselor tells me, ‘wouldn’t Kia want you to be happy?’

I mean sure, what does that mean though?

I still know what Kia and I were going to do.  I just don’t know if….