A Recent, Old Problem

I’m dating a woman now, who I care and love, but who I have some trust issues with.

We got into an argument today about this blog.

I like writing because it makes me feel better, it gives me a space to get the thoughts out of my mind.

She liked reading it, because she thinks it gives her insight into my thought and my mind.

I wish I could read her stuff.

That is the argument, there is nothing for her to show me and to read.

The problem I have is why there is nothing for me to read.

Here is why: In the early stages of our relationship, she lied to me and lied to a friend of mine, who she was also dating, and hurt us both.

I’m was upset about it then, and I’m upset about it now.

I feel like she should have been more open and honest and not lied to me about things.  I think to make it up, she needs to be overly honest to me.

I wanted to read her email and see what was going on behind the scenes at the time this stuff happened.

She deleted everything from that time period.  Because she says it would make her look bad, and she felt like she looked bad enough.

Then she gave me her password and let me in, but before I was able to get in, she deleted stuff, lied to me about deleting it, and tried to cover it up further.

She told me that she did not want to look bad, so that is why she lied.

But how can I trust her if she will lie if she will look bad.

What I would like is to see what was going on, so I could have another version of the events.

Something similar to this blog, so she can see the thoughts that are in my mind.

So we fight about it, and I need to leave her alone about it.  Make her feel better, make her feel less attacked.

She has told me how she thought at the time, she has no real reason for what happened, for why or whatever.

I’m not sure how I can get over this ‘not knowing’.  I need to know it is true.  She tells me, well, I will tell you what happened.

But I’d like to see it for myself.  But I can’t.

So I have to trust her, but she has already told me that she won’t show me things because they will make her look bad.

So doesn’t that mean she won’t tell me the truth?

Does it mean she has not in the past and will in the present/future?

I’m sure she will tell me the truth, but who knows if I can be sure?

Does it matter?  I think it does, because it should matter if I can or can’t trust.

I’m confused.

But I want her to work with me, and I want it to work together.  I want her to see me and get with me, and for us to work it out.

I hope it works.